Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Follow-Up to "Not the First, Not the Last"

On Nov. 17 I posted about being punished for certain life choices we all make. In my case, I was specifically upset that I am being punished at work for choosing to be part-time instead of full-time so I can be at home with our kids more.  Well, a few weeks ago, I was pursuing an opportunity completely unrelated to my current position but, unfortunately (and shortsightedly), within my employment community and with very poor timing (oops).  Let's just say that it was a complete disaster and my boss rang me through the wringer for it.  Let's also say that she's been harboring negative feelings toward me from the very beginning of our relationship and all due to the same issues: She claims I don't trust her and by not sharing all of my information/aspirations with her I consequently disrepect her.  She also claims that while she's addressed this issue with me twice previously (although, not so candidly as in this most recent incident) I continue to disrespect her by not trusting her and she finds it insulting.  (SIGH)  So, the question is where the hell do I go from here?  Her expectation is that I respond to her in some way as I was quite silent during our meeting when she laid this all out for me.  Also, in that meeting she told me she can't tell if I just say things to "appease" her and if not, why I continue to do the same things to "hurt" her.  I'm struggling with how to respond to all that, especially with so much time passed between the incident and now.  I'm also struggling with how I can move forward and positively repair/rebuild the relationship considering I will very much need her and a good reference from her if I choose to move out of my current position.  One thing I have decided is that I am not going to outline my  logic to her.  I have done that previously and it's clearly not accepted as reasonable.  Additionally, I'm not going to tell her that I think the words "trust" and "management" don't belong in the same sentence with one another.  Finally, I'm not going to tell her that this most recent incident stems from me exploring options which may change her team structure and my work structure.  So, what's left?  I think I will take L's advice and simply tell her that I am sorry for appearing to be disingenuous and that my intent has never been driven by malice - I did not intentionally disrespect her and am sorry that she thinks I have ... I'm still struggling with the exact wording.  But outside of those two brief points, I do not think it is wise to say anything more on the matter because, based on what she's already shared with me regarding her feelings/perecptions toward me, if I say more she won't believe I am being sincere and that I'm simply attempting to say things for the sake of saying them.  All of this does not make the idea of coming to work very appealing and I am sad for that.


Lisa said...

Wow. That's truly awful. I really like L's response and think that's a great foundation.

One thing I'm confused about in this timeline - you'd decided to finish out the year and then be with the kids, but you were also pursuing other options as well, correct? Had you told your boss about your intentions to leave at the end of the year? (I'm guessing not given this...)

Urban Cowgirl said...

No, I haven't told my boss about my decision - this is a trust thing for sure with me. I feel like if I give her such advance notice that she'll be, I don't know, I can't exactly articulate why I don't feel comfortable sharing the info ... oh, wait, I can a little bit but I'll email you & share that way